I’m an idiot…
Sometimes christians lose their way. sometimes they lose their focus. And other times they all but lose their testimony.
And usually it’s over the stupidest things. Or sometimes they’re not stupid things at all… But in an attempt to “be strong” and “handle it like a superhero” we belittle the situation to make ourselves feel more in control than we really are. But those “things” are real.
Like unresolved conflict. Hurt. The beginning stages of bitterness. Doubt. Anger. brokenness. the search for truth.
And in the process of searching in the dark for those things, you can -somewhere along the road- take a wrong turn and end up in a place you never intended to be… Or back to a place you never planned to visit again.
the past is a funny thing. Once it inches back into your life, it’s a quick, slippery slope downhill to “what you once were before.” and it’s easy to go back there.
it’s too enticing NOT to get involved again. It’s theater only replays the good times you used to have… But conveniently leaves out the empty, lonely, depressing nights you sat in a dark room and questioned whether or not life was really worth all the trouble.
The old vices beckon to you and beg you to try them one more time. “just give us one more chance…” – promising that it’ll be different this time. Better even.
So why am I saying all this…? Because over the past month I’ve struggled. I had a rendezvous with my past and it bit me good.
I’m am idiot…
Never learning, ever falling. And I made a joke out of myself in the process. Some of you may have seen it. Others of you may have no clue what I’m talking about — and thats okay.
If you didn’t see it, then don’t go worrying about it. But if you did see it, then I want to apologize right here and now.
I’ve managed to ruin a friendship and almost my testimony in about a months time.
I take comfort in this though… God loves me. And no matter how I may stray sometimes, He’s a faithful Father – ever waiting for me to come to my senses and return to His loving, forgiving, open arms. and i’m thankful for that.
*please forgive any typos or whatever. i typed this up on my phone last night.