Repost: I’m searching for something.
I wrote this note a few months ago when the Lord started working in my heart. I didn’t know it was Him working at the time, but looking back on it now it’s so very obvious. I felt empty; I was unhappy, unsatisfied; I was discontent. I knew something was going on in my life, but I couldn’t put my finger on what exactly that “something” was. It wasn’t long till I figured it out…
Jesus passed by my way and told me that He knew exactly what I was going through. He didn’t judge me; no, that was finished a year ago when He saved me. He didn’t shout or scream. He simply offered Himself to me again and filled the void with His peace.
We serve an amazing God. My search is over; I found everything I was searching for and more!
I’m not really sure where to start such a note, so I’ll just start by saying this: I’m being completely honest with every word I say. I won’t know how to word every thought, because I’m still quite confused myself – but I’m going to try. So just bear with me; tolerate my confusion for the next 5 minutes.
This is MY struggle, MY battle – so please don’t tell me I’m doing just fine, or that it’s my life and I can live it any way I want to. Don’t tell me that as long as I’m happy I should do what I want. Don’t let your comments be shallow; don’t try to hold me back; don’t try to talk me down or out of it. Don’t tell me that I’m off my rocker or that this will pass in a couple of days.
If you don’t support me in this, then don’t comment. If you don’t want to watch me struggle through this, then leave. If you are worried you’re going to lose me as a friend, stop being selfish. If you’re a true friend, you will realize that I’m not joking about this – you’ll realize that this is a heavy burden on my heart right now. You’ll understand – or at least try your best to.
I’m tired. I’m weary. I’m exhausted. I’m scared. I’m tired of traveling down the same road every day; I’m tired of just living for the weekends. I’m weary of watching my back and keeping my guard up. I’m exhausted from the constant struggle, the running, the hiding. I’m scared of myself.
There has got to be something better out there; something deeper; something actually worthwhile. There HAS to be something more to life than living for the weekends. There simply has to be more to life than this. I mean stuff that will matter in 5 years… or even 10… or 20.
I feel absolutely no satisfaction with where I am in life. I’m not happy. I’m desperate. I’m desolate. I’m searching for something – and *have been* searching for something… but what? I can’t seem to put my finger on it. I’m not proud of myself. I’m not content. I feel as if I’m simply floating along in life, fitting in, complacent.
I have constant fears nagging the back of my mind. In 10 years, will I regret the life I’m living right now? Do I want to keep living this way for the next 10 years to find out? Do I want to make changes? I’m continually tortured by thoughts that I’m wasting away, not making a bit of difference in anything I’m doing – like I’m just another piece of body mass walking through life, taking up space on the planet, simply coping.
There HAS to be more to this life thing than what I’m doing. Something deeper, something better, something that will serve a greater value for the future and people I have yet to meet – something that will make a difference in my life, in the lives of others, and even after I’m gone.
I really don’t know how to explain what’s going on. I’m trying, but it’s hard.
In regards to God… and what He wants. What if every word I speak or action I do breaks His heart? What if it does…?
Am I going to look back on my screwed-up life and wish I could rewind to the past and fix everything… knowing full well that such an idea is impossible? Yet instead of doing anything about it, I just keep floating by, taking one day at a time.
I’m scared of so many things. I’m scared of being along. I’m scared to let anyone get too close. I’m scared to push anyone away. I’m scared of being misunderstood, or being rejected. Scared of the silence, yet scared of the crowds. Scared of failure, of falling, or of being one-upped. Scared of not having the answer and scared of not knowing which direction to take. There has to be a way to avoid the regrets – a way to not be scared of these things.
I’m frustrated. I’m exhausted. I’m tired of running aimlessly. Scared to say yes, but scared to say no. scared to give either answer, because what if I choose the wrong one?
And this is life. THIS is what it’s made up of. This is what so many people want to experience during their time of living…
Well, I want something more, something deeper – I just don’t know how to grab it. I don’t know how to attain it – or even what the “it” actually is.
So THIS is my problem, my predicament. This is my struggle and what’s laying a heavy burden on my heart. This is what weighs in my mind. I’ve finally spoken. I’ve let it out of the box because I can’t contain it any longer.
I suspect I’ll receive a few inbox messages in response to this. I also suspect I’ll get a few questioning comments. If I don’t respond, don’t get an attitude with me. Have patience. Yes, this is really happening.
Shortly after I wrote this post, I recieved a book from my highschool Youth Pastor. You know the one – I’ve talked about it in many posts: “Life Quest.” He had no idea that I was struggling with this at that time. I’m sure he just figured I was wandering aimlessly away from the Savior – which I was. But he didn’t know the details to what exactly was going on; he didn’t know anything about the above post I had published just days earlier. Within a few days of recieving that book, I wrote the post titled “Challenged.” Isn’t God good… faithful and just; ready and willing; forgiving and forgetting. Simply wonderful, amazing, perfect in every way.